I feel like crying. i don't understand how i feel anymore. my mum's always joking about how she's depressed and today i said "are you seriously depressed?" and she said that she is because she's not happy with anything anymore (financial issues) and i just don't know what to do. I feel like it's all my fault. But at the same time i feel so helpless. 
I had barely eaten today but then i came home and i was so hungry and felt like i was gona be sick, so my mum got me pizza and i ate it :( I'm nothing but a fat worthless piece of crap. I'm useless, I really am. And the worst thing is that i promised myself that if i screwed up i'd try to purge again. Cos i deserve it. So i'm gona go shower now...
But first i just want to say this. I don't understand the world. You're born, you live, you die. I don't get the point of it. You go through all this pain, and then you just die. I don't see why i should bother with life anymore. I don't even know if i want it. I know i don't mean this, but right now i can't help thinking that i wish i was dead. The world would be better off, and so would everyone in it.

M <3 

I only had dinner today, however my dinner was by no means healthy. And just a warning that i'm about to give out too much information, so leave now if you must... So i tried to purge again, but i was just dry heaving and nothing was coming out, so i got nothing but a sore throat. I'm even a failure at purging. fml. Watevs. What am i doing wrong? Anyway, tomorrow is 500 calories or less. Also, my counsellor really wants me to get some outside support, but i don't think my issues are serious enough because i have periods of bingeing too (hopefully not anymore), and i don't think i deserve to get help anyway. 

M <3 

I just weighed myself, and i can honestly say that seeing that number on the scale makes me not want to exist. It makes me wish the ground would open up and swallow me. I've let this 'healthy' bullshit go on for far too long. Enough is enough.
It's OVER.

I can live on air, water, fresh fruit and veggies. No meals.
M <3 

I miss feeling empty.
I miss feeling clean and pure.
I miss feeling in control.
I miss seeing a lower number on the scale everyday. 
I miss feeling skinny.
I miss feeling pretty.
I miss being too tired to care about anything.
I miss that numb feeling of no emotions.
I miss feeling beautiful.
I miss feeling good about finally doing something in my life.
I miss having something i felt proud of.
I miss feeling dizzy.
I miss headaches.
I miss hunger pains.
I even miss shaking and heart palpitations.
I miss being so determined.
I miss feeling like nothing else matters.
I miss being so in control.

...

I'm sick of pretending everything's okay.
I'm sick of eating.
I'm sick of trying to be normal.
I'm sick of trying to ignore these thoughts.
I'm sick of making excuses.
I'm sick of feeling out of control.
I'm sick of eating just for the sake of eating.
I'm sick of being unhappy with my body.
I'm sick of feeling guilty about everything i eat.
I'm sick of being a failure.
I'm sick of feeling all these emotions.

...


I think i'll only have dinner tomorrow.

I'm so sorry mum, i'm such a horrible daughter, i really am. I wish you had a daughter who actually deserves you. And that's what hurts the most.

M <3 

Good news is that the exams i did today went well, bad news is that i finished way to early and had to sit there doing absolutely nothing. Over 2 hours combined. I swear if boredom could kill. And bad news is that i can't exercise. I don't know what i've done to my leg, but its been hurting me all day today since yesterday. I think i probably just strained it or something with my workouts and walks. I thought it would go away but it hasn't and it hurts even just walking. So i'm not gona push it.
As for my intake today, i followed it but... instead of dinner i just had some ice cream. Ew, i know probably not the smartest thing to do, but i was craving sugar so bad. I regret it, and feel extremely guilty, and it won't happen again. Mmm i feel so negative right now it's not cool at all. So I can't exercise, I have 4 more exams to do, and i'm unhappy with my eating habits. I'd be happy if i was vegan again... i really would, but its so hard with my family. Although, i'm going vegan again at the start of next week hopefully for good (because we just did the shopping yesterday and I plan my dinners for the week before we go shopping). Anyway sorry for my negativity, i know it sucks. Tomorrow i have another exam to do, lovelyyyy. Oh, but on the bright side i get to see my boyfriend. And now i suddenly feel like crying. Blahhhh. I hate my emotions :)
EDIT: P.S. i binged.

M <3